Before I get started, I want this blog to be heard in a way that's not bashing but informative and it is something I find is a concern. I want you to read this blog with an open perspective mindset. This blog is not a blog I find is easy to talk about and most won't. They'll take the hits and move forward but for some of us, it needs to be said so that we can work creatively and be understood as a professional. We get one chance to prove our abilities and allowing a bully to take that away is not something I or most of my professional vendor friends are ok with. We all stand together!
Without any more delay, here are my thoughts on this subject...
Most people don't know this about me, but as a little girl, I was bullied by one of my elementary school teachers in third grade. My teacher would point me out in the classroom in front of all my classmates to intimidate me and to also make fun of me. Eventually, after many days coming home crying and heartbroken to tell my mom and dad that the things being said to me were a lot and I did not want to go to school anymore. My parents took matters into their own hands. A parent teacher meeting was in place! During the meeting, I remember the teacher looking at my mom telling her, "your daughter will not mount up to be anything more than a house mom." Let me tell you something, my mom was furious and irate with the response from this teacher! How could she see what my future looked like when she doesn't even enjoy her teaching career? Growing up in school I struggled with learning. Yes, it was adamant that I receive tutoring. I would arrive to my elementary school two hours before all the other kids showed up for school for one-on-one tutoring. Keep in mind, I was a kid who had a lot of friends. Looking back now, I am thankful for the struggles I had in academics and with this teacher I had in elementary school because it made me who I am today. It made me stronger, more self aware, and it makes me put tremendous value on the relationships I choose to have today. Especially when parenting my daughter for her struggles as she learns to grow into the woman she is becoming. Â I realize that being bullied isn't a joke, it's not something I would wish on anyone, and that not everyone has the same thoughts on their experiences with being bullied as I do.
What I want to talk about today is:
HANDLING BULLIES IN THE WEDDING AND EVENT INDUSTRY
Unless you are in the wedding and event industry, it's incredibly hard to explain to someone what it feels like. This industry is made up almost entirely of self-made businesses. It's individuals who have created something and they are running it themselves.  We don't have 'bosses' (for the most part) and it's up to us to network, create relationships, own our craft, and make our dreams of being an entrepreneur happen. We are a lot of 'type A' personalities and with that comes a side dish of controlling and opinionated 'flair'.
I have searched on the internet to help me deal with bullies in the wedding and event industry and you find nothing. Most of what I found was how to deal with bullies in the workplace and these sites give you a handful of ideas that mostly include the 'tiers' of managers in your office, writing letters, putting it on record, making sure your bosses are aware of the issue which allows the manager to create a history of communication (write-ups documented) so that the bully can be held accountable in the near future if it should become super hazardous for the employee's working environment.
I get it, I have 12-years of background in Human Resources.
WELL, THANKS INTERNET, BUT THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO US
So, here recently, I witnessed a wedding planner being bullied by the clients that hired their services. I too was bullied by a wedding guest that directly and verbally spoke to me in means to intimidate me and talk nasty to me. (From the end of the ceremony to the end of reception). In most cases, It's typically in the situation of the 'team' of vendors who are working either on a real wedding /event or they are producing a styled / editorial shoot together - (that's a story for a separate blog for another day).
The different ways a business owner on a team can be bullied are:
not being correctly credited for their work
being made to feel that their work is poor over another creator. (This is usually a direct conversation with both creators while trying to shoot together).
being made to feel that they need to do more than their share of the work (I could write a whole blog on this one).
being talked about in a negative way to the client (Yes, this happens all the time because a vendor is looking for credibility and truly, it makes them look worse to the client.)
being talked about in a negative way to other vendors
being made to feel that they are threatened for loss of future referrals (This is a BIG one. It's not funny nor okay to bash someone's character through what they love to do).
told they need to 'do this or else' in a situation that isn't their responsibility (I just went through this one. I decorated a bride's wedding cake because I was told if I don't do it, they won't have a wedding cake for pretty pictures and why would I want to waste my time being there to photograph the couple and their wedding. Yes, the wedding "Venue" coordinator said this to me. (Note: They work for the venue, not the couple).
general attitude of 'your work sucks' using facial expressions or intimidating tones
are there more? (I could write a book!)
'Type A' personalities come in a variety of different people. There are the 'Type A' who knows when to take control to better the team and there are the 'Type A' who just want to boss people around because they have insecurities of their own and they want to take the attention off themselves. Â As a person who doesn't like to be told what to do, I generally will butt heads with the latter and I'm sure there are a lot of people reading this who feel the same way. Â When we butt heads with the 'Type A' who is insecure it can many times bring out a LOUDER version of that person. We may get yelled at, threatened, talked about behind our backs. We may be made to feel that showing we won't be told what to do is not acceptable so that next time, hopefully, we'll back down and just 'do the thing' so that we can avoid the 'punishment' of what comes next.
IN OTHER WORDS, WE ARE BEING BULLIED WITH FEAR
As business owners, our reputation, relationships, referrals, etc. are everything to our business. They are what keeps our business ticking for the most part. Often times it feels as though we can't risk ANYONE disliking us because if just one person dislikes us it could throw off the entire balance of everything leading customers to our door. It has taken me YEARS to understand that the 'hate' from a person or group of people only affects me for a short time, sometimes never and while it feels as though everything will be destroyed, that's not the case. It's simply a short period of time and if I use it for reflection and growth, I come out STRONGER once it's over.  Moving on from certain relationships or finding new ones is super scary and can feel like you are starting completely over but let me tell you, joining cliques as a business owner is not the way to go. Yes, community is growth and it's good to have community but know your strengths and continue to hone in what you believe and what makes you the creative/vendor you are.
*If you are a business owner in this industry and you are not dependent on a single group of people or businesses for your success and growth, then these circumstances with 'bullies' will only feel like small bumps on the road.
So what should you do if you are dealing with a bully in this industry?
STEER CLEAR!  We are creatives and our success is attached to us feeling amazing, clear headed, and capable of doing what services we were hired to do. If there is someone out there who is trying to distract or is distracting you with their mean tactics and dulling your creative light and if it has happened multiple times, then leave them right where they are and move on from them. The intent to hurt someone with bashing their creative style, their character, or their business is J U N K in my book.
What do you do if you are dealing with a bully who is attending a wedding as a guest and you are a creative/vendor?
STEER CLEAR! Creatives are serving the couple with their requested imagery MUST HAVES from their wedding day/event - (Photography + Videography). The number one rule... 'if the couple is happy, that's truly what matters.' Well, it's best to keep the guest happy but what if one is drunk and cussing you? It is NOT your responsibility to control that situation. You kindly ask your couple to handle the situation. Be clear about this behavior not being tolerated in your wedding contract and what will be the ending result if the situation is not handled.
Ok, back to what we have been talking about...
SHOULD YOU COMPLETELY SEVER THE RELATIONSHIP?
Depends ... if it happens just between you and this other person and it doesn't affect other relationships within the 'team' and you feel like you can avoid additional backlash by keeping your other relationships strong, maybe just seeing that person from time to time won't be as huge of an issue ... BUT if it's keeping you from feeling like you can approach the rest of the 'team' and you start getting panicked about your future referrals from all of them, I'd walk away, refocus on what makes you awesome, and reach out to new vendors and create new relationships. This is something we should all be doing all the time anyway to avoid being dependent on one group of people. Put yourself out there!
AM I SAYING GIVING UP AND AVOIDING PROBLEMS IS THE ANSWER?
Not at all. I believe there is a huge difference between having small disagreements within a team of people and walking away feeling a little bit annoyed, but growing and learning from it and feeling fearful for the future of the business you have built or are building.
I do believe in self awareness and accountability. If you consistently find yourself in situations where people don't like you, your work, or make you feel insecure - it's vital to your future and survival in this industry to self-reflect and see if there is something you are doing that should be worked on. Reflection should be in every quarter of your 12-month calendar year because we are human and reflection is good! I do this every 3-months to see where I stand personally and professionally. If it does not align with my future vision I do away with it and replacing it with something that I know is beneficial.
At the end of the day, our industry is not like other industries. This industry is very emotion driven, based on trendy looks and how things are styled. It's filled with 'Type A' personalities and opinionated individuals who are all trying to be the BEST in their businesses. Â It's not meant for the weak at heart and the strongest will survive. It's important to weigh your decisions carefully. Not to talk a lot of (if any)Â derogatory remarks against anyone in this industry and learn who you can trust and who you can't. Â If there is a problem with an individual who you keep having run-ins with and the stress creates feelings that are more than what you can personally handle, then limit your exposure and focus on the things you can control.
A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM LAUREN:
I do not play about who I am and my life's journey. I am far from perfect but I am someone who is striving to be the best version of myself while being a wedding photographer and a mother. I'm always supporting my closest friends in this industry. I only gravitate to REAL TRUE individuals. We all have a place in this industry to show our purpose in what we love and continue to make a difference in our couple's celebrations and memories.
All my best,
Lauren
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